Archive for April, 2008

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It’s a Tribute, Not a Statement.

April 28, 2008

Over the past couple of weeks I have caught this group of four high school kids around town. What is so intriguing is that they are all dressed in 70’s punk style. One kid has a huge red mohawk which I presume makes him the leader, and the rest of them have your classic chains and plaid pants, patches on the sweatshirts, and dyed hair. I understand what the clothing and style means, but that style stayed in the 70’s and 80’s. Anyone dressing like that now looks like they are just throwing tribute to those who came before them or are coming from a costume party. It in no way shows individuality or represents yourself. It becomes almost a mockery at some point when you start wearing that everyday.

I think there is a modern equivalent to those punk styles, and it’s more actions than looks.

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Open Mic Adventures 04/23/08

April 24, 2008

I was sitting at the beach around 4pm. It was one of the nicest days in a long time so I figured where else should I be. I also was aware of the open mic happening at Empire that night. The dilemma was do I play at all? and if I do play should I write something new only 3 hours prior to the event? Or should I play the same old shit.

I picked up the guitar and started messing with different riffs. I was sitting on the wall at the top of the beach so I had some involuntary audience members. I thought I would just play some covers. I dropped the 6th E string to a D and began playing “Everlong” by Foo Fighters and then “The Middle” by Jimmy Eat World. A mother and her child were walking by when the child pointed at me. I had an official, voluntary audience member.

After finishing the song, and after the only real fan I had that day left, I came up with a catchy tune. I looked around for some paper in my car to write on. There was tons of paper, and then there was no pen. I decided that I could just write the words in my head, and at the same time that would insure better remembrance of the words. I just thought of something that I was going through and started singing words. I came up with a rather simple, but, to me, catchy song. The lyrics have a very serious, but at the same time lighthearted meaning. I even threw in a joke or two because I guess that’s just part of me, I have to always try to make people laugh. There was a lot of repetitiveness in the lyrics, but that was probably due to the method I was using to write them.

I ran to my friend’s house and sang the song to him to get his opinion/good graces/blessing. He said it was catchy and had a “HOOK”! I’d never heard any of my songs described with that word, and I thought it was nice of him to throw that word in there.

There was some difficulties getting to the Open Mic destination, but I made it. I got there in the second half of it all. There was two guys playing songs before me who were awesome. That’s what I got for showing up late: following two of the best acts the people would see that night. As I was waiting for my turn to go up I was thinking of stupid jokes I could say. There was also an instrumental going on so I jumped up there and started dancing, and it was possibly a sexual dance which I, subconsciously, always end up doing. I get up there and totally lose my mind for some reason, and the only kid that heard my “joke” was the kid who I was using as the subject. It was the performer who went up before me, Max Prussner. I said something about how he looked like Tom Cruise and tried to get him to do a Tom Cruise laugh, but I overlooked the fact that I wasn’t using the microphone so it was more of a private, awkward conversation. He probably thinks I either like Tom Cruise or guys. I decided that I would no longer plan jokes, and hopefully just say what comes to mind when I get up to the stage.

The next mistake I made was thinking: since I had no electric acoustic, I shouldn’t use the microphone. I ended up having to scream at the top of my lungs when one of my friends(INGRID) had begun to make some sort of blow job action, which I guess meant microphone. Then my strap popped off in the middle of my second song so I had my leg propped way up high on a speaker. Then Strapping Max fixed my strap from behind my back(oh snap oh snap that’s like a rap). I’m pretty sure he touched my butt.

The night proved to be mostly successful. I played decently, but more importantly I think I sang better than before. If you were there, then I thank you for your moral support and guidance and hope you enjoyed all the musicians. If you weren’t there, then you missed a live sex performance. Oh yes, it was hot.

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School Is For Fools, Look At Boobs

April 24, 2008

I go to community college currently, and it is a smaller community with not a whole lot going on. But around the beginning of this semester I have found a new activity to compensate for that: DRUGS. Just kidding mom.

When eating lunch in the atrium I usually sit in the same seat area, and I am always facing the winding staircase that comes down. I tend to pay attention to things that a guy would pay attention to when a young striking female is running down the stairs: her breasts, but I call them boobs (and you can borrow that term if you want). What I noticed is most of the girls just bounce down the stairs, and, holy shit, it’s the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. My mind turns it into a slow motion scene from a movie and I drop my jaw and tuna sandwich (it’s never anything else for lunch).

From the first time this has happened I have made it a point, when girls are running down the staircase with their bouncing chests, to stare and examine. I believe I am gaining a new knowledge about boobs and how they are all unique. I am, after all, at school so what better thing to do then learn. If this activity implies that I am a loser and have not seen a fair share of boobs in my own personal encounters, then that is mostly correct. However, what better way to watch bouncing boobs then in their natural habitat that I call school.

Over the course of the past semester I analyzed each different set of boobs and their bouncing actions. There are the average size that have short, but higher rate, bounces. There are the large ones with a much more dramatic and slow-motion look to each bounce. There are the rare massive size that usually belong to a woman above 50 years old and they are mostly too heavy to move at all.

Just recently I had a new experience with boobs bouncing down the stairs. It was odd at first and I couldn’t quite put my finger on what was so different about these ones. Then I figured it out: no bra. I much more preferred the no-bra to anything else I had seen before them. The shirt was small enough to give great detail of what was pushing on the inside of the shirt and they moved not only up and down, but side to side. I was flabbergasted, and then she caught my eye. I decided that this was too good to pass up and just turn away like I wasn’t looking. So I just went from looking her straight in the eye to looking back at her moving boobs. I can’t say at all what her facial reaction was, but I bet she could tell what mine was.

That last experience was also probably my last time in that atrium for the semester, and ever. I want to thank that girl who decided not to wear a bra that day and who shared her gift with everybody, but mostly with me. If you are a girl and you run down the stairs on a daily basis, then please, for one day, forget the restricting bra and wear a (boob)tube top. Then trot down those stairs with pride.

I’m a fucking pig. (”fucking” is being used as a sentence enhancer in this case, so as to not be confused with a pig who fucks.)

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Misrepresentation at Its Best…Wait…That Was All Me.

April 23, 2008

When I first started this site/blog/writing medium, it was mostly with the intention of doing exactly what I have been. But at the same time it was going to be used as a grade for my writing class.

If you take a peek at the last entry I wrote, then you can see I totally forgot my writing teacher was going to be reading this. But I find it to be a rather profound article and I am not going to take it down. I will take any judgment on my age and state of mind while writing about poop and the act itself.

Enjoy, Mr.R.

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Pooping As A Pastime

April 20, 2008

Introduction: After reading this news story about a woman who was stuck on a toilet for two years, I was inspired. I think this women knew what she was doing when she took up this great lifestyle. I was inspired by her to challenge myself to write an article on the greatness of pooping, and also use the word “poop” in every single sentence of the article.


Pooping is something we all do. We all poop and sometimes we enjoy that poop. Sometimes our poop can turn on us and become very solid or have various states of viscosity, but we try not to think about those days. I believe pooping can bring the world together. If we could all just get together and talk about poop or even poop together, then we could realize how similar we all are. We could perhaps cure diseases because when we put our commonalities into perspective, by pooping, we would be more motivated to do such things. Poop could save the world.

A favorite pastime of my father’s was a “wake ‘n poop”, as he called it. He got to read the paper or a magazine, possibly eat a bowl of cereal, or sleep while he pooped. I think he saved it all week sometimes so that on his day off he could poop all morning and into the afternoon. He would sit in there and the toilet would flush about five times over the course of the poop session. I can’t say whether or not saving his poop all week was good for him in the long run, but he just needed to get away for a while in the privacy and stink of his own poop.

For people who are busy workers there is the “lunch-break poop”. In the “lunch-break poop” you take a sandwich or a bowl of soup, something easily eaten off your lap, and bring it to the bathroom to eat while you poop. This one is an interesting poop because if you think about it, if you didn’t have a life, you could sit on the toilet for a week or so just eating and pooping. Think of your innards as a basic piping system, you shove mashed potatoes in one end and at the same time they are falling out of the other end of the pipe like poop. If you had a television and a large supply of food and drink at arm’s reach you could, quite efficiently, have a vacation of poop. Obviously, if you are working, you just eat that one meal while pooping and then get right back to work.

My personal favorite type of pooping is what I call the “poop for pleasure”. When I say “pleasure” I do not mean any type of sexual pleasure from poop (because I know that’s what you were thinking). When I “poop for pleasure”, it is usually a day in which I have nothing to do. I will feel it coming but wait around until I feel a sufficient amount of poop has gathered and is ready for departure. I will then proceed with the pooping. The actual “pleasure” part does not take place until AFTER the pooping has completed. If all goes well during the poop session, then when I sit down in a comfy recliner or couch I will get a nice pleasurable feeling on my insides and rear area. This is my personal pooping recommendation for a rainy day.

There has been word on the street and in the underground pooping world about a method called “masturpooping”. It is a very secretive tradition, even more secretive than most females make the normal act of pooping. It involves the person pooping and achieving orgasm at the same time. It apparently takes a lot of poop discipline and training, and only the best of the best can do this correctly. This method of pooping is said to have originated in ancient China. Samurais were not allowed to masturbate, but some could not resist the urge and had to do it in secret while they pooped. Nobody would ever want to walk in on a Samurai pooping so this was a very secretive, yet effective, method for some members of the ancient order of Samurai’s to get away with masturbating.

If reading this has given you the pooping urge, then I recommend you grab a partner. Both of you grab a pen and pad and write down the things you would like to change in the world while you poop. Think about all the starving children in Africa who don’t have the luxury of pooping on a daily basis, and when they do poop it can’t be very fulfilling. Think about the ancient Chinese Samurai’s who had to use pooping as an excuse to rub one out in secret. Think about diseases that force people to poop in a bag, or maybe they couldn’t get the pan in time and had to sleep in their own poop. Think about all these things and then give one good push for humanity poop.

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My “The Forbidden Kingdom”/”Forgetting Sarah Marshall” Double Review

April 19, 2008

On Friday I wanted to go to the movies, so I called my friend to go with me. See, my friend and I both wanted to go to the movies. I am a huge Apatow fan so of course I wanted to see “Forgetting Sarah Marshall”. But My friend is a huge fan of Jackie Chan and Jet Li and “The Forbidden Kingdom” movie, to him, was the equivalent of an hour and a half long orgasm. And when that orgasm is done, the tip of his penis would be very very VERY sensitive. So we compromised: we would catch “The Forbidden Kingdom” at 7:15 pm, and then catch “Forgetting Sarah Marshall” at 9:45 pm. It turned out to be a hell of a night at the movies.

3.5 out of 5

Going into “The Forbidden Kingdom” I was a little skeptical at how much I would enjoy the film. Before going to the movie I checked Rotten Tomatoes and it had a 65%, which means if worst comes to worst it can still be more good than not. My experience with Jackie Chan is mostly from the “Rush Hour” movies. I can’t say I’ve seen or remember having seen any other of his movies. So going in to this movie it was safe to say that I was keeping an open mind, as I had not seen him in any movies of this type where he is really in his arena. The only Jet Li movie I have seen is Kiss of The Dragon and I guess I enjoyed that.

The movie starts off with an American teenager living in Boston. You start off finding out he is a big Kung-Fu fan by movie posters and his visit to a Chinese shop. The movie spends little time concentrating on this teenager in Boston and gets right to the point of where he gets sent back in time which I found to be a good thing. The mythology to the story was pretty cool, it included this warrior named The King Monkey and his staff and a prophecy of a traveler who would bring it back to him. When Jet Li and Jackie Chan first meet they have a cool fight scene. I am no kung-fu movie expert so I can’t get technical, but I can say that the moves were awesome and the way the scene, and all other fight scenes, were shot was great.

The biggest thing that stuck out to me was how much better I like Jackie Chan in this type of movie than any of his other types of roles such as Rush Hour or any other “Chinese guy in America” roles that get overused. He just fit so perfectly in this role as a drunken fighter from ancient China, and it was pretty refreshing to see him in that role.

The problems with the film were not as standout as the good things about the film. There was some cheesy dialogue here and there. The one part I disliked most was the group of kids that the American teenager had to face. That situation has been played out so many times that it was so predicable what would happen in the end within the first five minutes of the movie. And, of course, the end of the movie (not a spoiler) could not be complete without a Chinese man saying an American saying in his funny “ching chao cho” accent.

“The Forbidden Kingdom” was a very entertaining film overall. It is worth heading out to the big screen for a fun time at the movies.

After getting out of “The Forbidden Kingdom” my friend and I had about 45 minutes to spare. I ran to the snack stand and grabbed a pretzel and a soda and then waited for the movie to begin. This was REALLY the movie I came to see:

4.5 out of 5

There was no doubt that I was pumped for this flick. I mean it’s got Judd Apatow’s name attached to it so it’s bound to be comedy gold. Oh yeah, there was that one movie we shall not mention coughDrillbit Taylorcough, but other than that he’s put out some awesome stuff. I also loved Jason Segel in “Knocked Up” so I was looking forward to seeing how this guy did with writing his own flick. I was also prepared for disappointment for some reason, and now that I have seen “Forgetting Sarah Marshall” I want to kick my own ass for thinking such a thing.

Right from the start of this film when Segel’s character, Peter, shakes his wiener at his girlfriend Sarah and it makes the smacking noises as it hits his legs, I knew this movie was going to fucking rule the rest of my night. Then immediately after that came the full frontal nudity shot of Segel and that somehow kept me laughing. This film just kept going and going and didn’t stop. The first thing I thought about while watching this is, just like “Superbad”, this movie makes you laugh every thirty seconds.

I never thought I would get so much enjoyment out of a man being so sad. Segel did an amazing job at not getting too old with the sad thing, he was pretty much crying or frowning through 2/3rds of the flick. I believe this man should win an Oscar for such a performance and be the first man in comedy to win at the Oscars.

Another awesome character was the new British pop-star boyfriend of Sarah Marshall’s. He just had such a funny way of thinking, at times you mostly hated him but then there were parts where you loved the guy. His goal as he said was to just have sex with everyone and anyone he wanted, and the short sex scene with him and Kristen Bell(HOT!) was hilarious AND hot.

This movie made me laugh so much that, even if there were any, I can’t recall anything bad about the movie. I am not calling this a perfect movie, but there is no denying it is funny as fucking fuck. One of my favorite parts is the whole Dracula Rock Opera that Segel’s character was working on. When he performs that song it is the funniest thing I have ever heard. Not only is it hilarious, because he is singing it with a Dracula accent, but the words are actually GOOD. In context, and I believe he actually says that in the movie, it makes great sense. What’s even better is that Segel actually wrote those songs, including that of Marshall’s pop-star boyfriend “I Want to Be Inside You”.

There was also characters for most of the normal Apatow bunch that appear in his movies. Joe Rudd played a stoned out surfer who just was so burnt out. Jonah Hill was a host at a Hotel Restaurant and was funny as usual as the obsessed fan of Marshall’s pop-star boyfriend. Bill Hader, one of my favorite people, played Peter’s brother in law and his sort-of emotional guide. Mila Kunis was a new add to the bunch and her character was the overly tan love interest of Segel’s character.

There is no reason at ALL why you should not go see this movie. There is no doubt that you will laugh your ass off the whole time. Go…NOW!

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My Goal is for Music to Make Me Hallucinate

April 14, 2008

I recently watched Coheed and Cambria’s live concert DVD “The Last Supper”. I wasn’t always a huge fan of them, but I hadn’t really listened to them in a long time. They are one of those bands whose albums are meant to be listened to all the way through, which is an almost lost activity.

Being in the age of the iPod, people will just hit shuffle and listen to two thousand+ songs at complete random. I’ve decided that I’m going to bring this activity back into my life. Since Coheed and Cambria sparked this idea in my head, I got their first album “The Second Stage Turbine Blade”. I put it on my iPod and before going to sleep, I shut off the lights and layed down in bed with my headphones on and listened to the album all the way through. The album, sounding as it is, can inspire some crazy images in my head in normal life, but shutting off the lights and closing my eyes left my mind completely open to the music.

The beginning of the album was like the “calm before the storm”. I was picturing myself walking around my town and just seeing things at random. Seeing people I know and strangers, and then I kind of took control a bit and started to form my own comic book-like movie to go along with the rest of the music.

I don’t think all the albums that come out these days have to be heard in their entirety. I also think some artists know this about their own style of music. I can think of bands that I used to listen to a lot like Blink-182 and Green Day whose music can just be thrown into a shuffle and it doesn’t matter which way you listen to their songs. However, they both have put out one album each that are great for listening all the way through: Blink-182’s self titled album and Green Day’s “American Idiot”. Green Day’s “American Idiot” was most likely written for the purpose of hearing all the way through. Blink-182’s self titled album was an awesome turn for them in their career. It was their best album, musically, to date and you could tell that something was changing. With the break-up of Blink and the creation of Angels and Airwaves it was clear it was Tom Delonge (Blink-182 guitarist) who was changing. He has put out two albums, “We Don’t Need to Whisper” and “I-Empire”, through that band that have really inspired some awesome ideas and feelings in me when listened all the way through.

My two good friends, Alex and Ian, and I are working on a rock opera that Ian pretty much wrote. If we get this recorded, it will DEFINITELY be one to listen to all the way through. I am utterly amazed at how all this music is coming out in the practices. The songs go through such different feelings and emotions, the whole album and story is full of emotion and huge feelings. It is turning out to be some of the best stuff I’ve been a part of.

Here’s what I think everyone should do: Find a great album, one that you think is just amazing all the way through. If you haven’t already, wait until it’s later at night and dark out. Lie in bed or sit in the dark and put on a good pair of headphones and close your eyes and let the music take you. The shuffle function on your iPod is great for short drives or walks as background to your life, but it is good to give the music the driver seat once in a while (please don’t take that too literally). If you are a morning jogging type of person, that sounds to me like another good time to let the music take you. Just as the sun is rising, or maybe the sun has been out for a half hour or so but hasn’t quite shed its light on everything yet.

Let the music take you away from everything.

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Not Your Average Sleeping Bag

April 11, 2008

I don’t see something too often that completely throws off my daily thoughts of the world and my own life. I was driving home and I saw an ambulance and a police car on the side of the road. As I am driving by they are rolling out the stretcher. Here is how my thoughts processed as I look at the stretcher:

Oh, there’s a person on a stretcher….That person’s in a bag…OH!…THAT PERSON IS IN A BAG!

Oddly enough, after realizing what I had just seen, the very first thing that popped in my head was the news footage I had seen the day Heath Ledger died, but that was just TV. To actually see a bag with a body in it right in front of your face is the second closest I’ve been to a dead body.

The first closest:

There was this guy that lived down the street from us and his and my family were good friends. My brothers and I used to see him a lot and talk to him when we were kids. He was probably in his mid-20’s when he had a brain aneurysm and died from it. I was in middle school when it happened and it didn’t quite affect me right away. Then we went to his wake, and it was an open casket. That was a really weird and scary thing to see. I forget what a lot of things and people look like, but that image will be with me forever.

All I hope for is that for every person that dies, there is another person to miss them.

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Don’t Speak, Until You Do.

April 8, 2008

The following is the start of a piece I was writing. I decided to write it as a reaction to a few comments I heard from people about their dreams. Their dreams of things they wanted to be in life; and their doubts about those dreams.

This is what I came up with so far:

[The best thing you can do for yourself is have a plan. I suppose there are those of us that like to be spontaneous or some bullshit, but they have a plan for SOMETHING. I am not talking about saying you are going to be a rock star, that's not a plan. That's a dream and a good dream to have, but the plan is what makes that dream. So sitting around all day smoking weed and picking at your guitar in your mom's basement is not working a plan towards your dream.

Know your dreams, and then research the dream.

Find out about others who are living your dream, because you aren't the first person to dream it. They are the people who have made a mistake that you can avoid.

Research the world surrounding your dream. Maybe it hasn't changed for a long time, or maybe it is constantly changing. Learn how to adapt to that world and learn what you need to adapt to it.]

For a few days I have been coming back to this to try and finish it, but I seem to be stuck at this point. It just now occurred to me that I CAN’T finish it. How am I supposed to tell someone how to have a plan and reach a dream when I have not done that myself.

Where I have left off is where I am currently at. I have a dream, and I have a plan. So far this is where I am at and when the next part of my plan is successful, whatever it may be, I will be able to tell people.

For now, don’t leave your dreams in the dream world. Think of your dream constantly as you do everything you do. Think of it as you make important choices. Most of all, don’t forget them or they may forget you.

p.s. The title of this entry has shifted my mind to my dreams about me being Gwen Stefani:

Don’t speak, I know just what your sayin

So please stop explainin

Don’t tell me cause it hurts

Nooo nooo nooooo

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Pennywise and MySpace: No Reason To Believe

April 3, 2008

If you haven’t heard, Pennywise released their album on MySpace for free download. I never listened to Pennywise before, but I am aware that they are from way back in the heyday of 90’s punk rock. I am also aware that they have been not so popular since then. Now they are trying to get with the times by offering their album free, following in the Radiohead/Trent Reznor footprints.

I decided I’d give them a shot, since there was a reported 400,000 people getting the album. Not even free can save this album. I am not familiar with a lot of their older work but I’m sure it was good for what it was. This album just sucks. I have no idea what they were trying to go for; I don’t even think they were trying.

MySpace is in the shitter anyway. I think it hit its peak a while ago. It’s full of a crazy array of stupid ads(my favorite being the ones where the girl is “live” on her webcam waiting for you to reply….what ad agency thought that would trick anyone longer than a day?). I don’t know if there was a point when Facebook was crappier than MySpace, but Facebook has far surpassed MySpace on every level. I find it to be a lot more fun and easy to use. It seems a lot smarter than MySpace too. I give MySpace two years, after that you’ll start hearing people say, “Is MySpace still around?”.

MySpace Music

They made deals with three of the big four: Universal, Sony BMG, and Warner Music. I suppose that’s good? Those labels are going down, but I suppose they will be stuck around for long enough that MySpace can benefit from it. It’s another attempt for the labels to dip their greedy hands into the internet pool that they so recently rejected.

The new MySpace Music Portal includes ad-supported streaming. Really? I’m pretty confident that everyone is way past ad-supported streaming; and also streaming music period. I do use Pandora once in a while when I’m not at home since my iTunes library is in my external.

I have been on the edge of deleting my MySpace account for a little while now. The fact is there are still a lot of people using it, I can still reach people that way so I will continue to do so. Like I said, its a fad and a passing one at this point. MySpace Music will not help the industry any more than the 360 deals.

360 deal: That’s a whole other topic to be discussed.

-Ryan

p.s. This is probably my first shot at writing about current happenings in music and the industry. That’s what I planned on doing when I started this site. I should get on this a little more.

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